I am Needy

Support Group Time: Do you NEED to be NEEDED?

I do.

I'm doing this introspection thing, trying to figure out why that little family reunion/vacation messed me up so badly. So I'm laying around the house the other day, trying to shake this flu bug, sniffling, coughing, wheezing, feverish, and wanting someone to talk to. Just... talk.

Called Hubby (he's out of town on weekdays) but he couldn't talk. Promised he'd call me back right away, but he forgot.

That really hurt.

Went online. Facebook. Twitter. Even my blog. Nobody to talk with.

My Kid, well, he shouldn't be burdened with a whiney mom.

Didn't like to impose on my new neighbors.

Most of my family was ... well, not open to in-depth analytical discussions. Plus it's still really raw from things that happened on the trip.

Why did I want, no, feel like I needed to have contact with someone? Was it just because I felt miserable and feverish? Did I want comfort? Did I want just the sound of a friendly voice? A typed message "I care"? Was it to help prevent me from binging (which I kinda did anyway)? Was it just loneliness?

Was it because I always felt so alone, being in the middle of us three sisters, but being left out of most conversations? Always wondering what my sisters were talking about. Or why people stopped talking when I came in the room.

Wow. That sounded paranoid.

Maybe ... was it because I'm always the one, in any and all relationships, who makes the phone call to keep the relationship going, making the first, second and third moves? Finally giving up when I see the futility.

Aw, geez, am I that bad at relationships?

Asked these questions of myself, but so far, I'm still pondering possible answers.

Have YOU thought about ... do YOU need to be needed? If so, why?

Believe me, I could use the insight.

Feel free to comment anonymously if you'd like.

p.s. Still have the flu plus a sinus infection. Doc appt tomorrow (Wednesday). And by the way, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the shoes in this post: http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/day-460-shoodles-for-toon-tuesday.html


Twix said...

Wow... I think I know where you're coming from. Promise I will. I'd do it now but I'm headed into the hospital to help take care of my neighbor. I'm always hesitant to call because I'm a scaredy cat. And I tend to over think things and be sad and I'm notoriuos for never shutting the hell up. ....see to much talking/thinking...haha

Wish me luck babysitting her today and you knock that flu bug right out the window. Water, broth, popsicles, ginger ale, drugs, and sleep. Well if you can get that last one anyways! ;-) ((hugs))

South Beach Steve said...

Vee, it sounds as if you are gifted. Not everyone has the relationship ability like you do. While I don't know the hubby, I'll offer up some defense for him, as I know how often I really screw up. It really isn't intentional, and quite honestly, there is no way I could ever show my wife the love she deserves. I keep trying though.

I sincerely hope tomorrow is a much better day for you. To answer your question - yep, I need to be needed. I need that in a bad, bad way.

Pippa said...

Wow, Vee, I can relate to this post so much. I also struggle with this need for connection. It can turn into a real and often debilitating hunger.

While I can't give you answers or solutions, I CAN say that this need for connection often arises when I feel overtired, overwhelmed or restless ... a kind of buzzing on the inside that I just 'know' will get soothed by connecting with someone else. It doesn't. And trying to fill that need by being needed by someone else, often just makes the feeling worse, doesn't it?

So I'm learning to need myself and be there for myself. It's OK to focus on yourself. You are ultimately and irreplaceably special and worthy of love, worthy to be noticed.

I'm going to comment on your newer posts, too, but I want to really, really give you a HUG and say: Hang in there, you're NOT alone!