Hear my Voice

Support Group Time: Do you feel like you are heard?

I didn't. Er, still don't.

When I was with my family during this 10 days of hell vacation, most of them asked how did I lose so much weight. It felt good. For a second. Only a second. By the time I started answering the question or to tell them my goal is to get healthy and not skinny, they'd moved on to another topic, or talking with someone else, or get distracted for some reason or another. Constantly being interrupted.

Over and over and over again.

I wasn't being heard.

Not one family member actually listened for my answer.

Suddenly I was a 12 year old gangly too-tall girl with braces, being ignored. Not being heard. I started stuttering when asked that question, or any other, not able to get any words out. Now I wasn't being heard because I couldn't get myself to speak.

Then I started eating and eating. I slipped and fell off my plan.

Haven't gotten back on yet and it's been almost 2 weeks.

Got me thinking. Did I overeat because I wanted to be noticed? Even if it was for being a porker, I wanted people to listen to me. But it really didn't help. Overeating, I mean.

Did I aspire to be an opera singer because it was a way to be heard? I LOVED performing in front of the masses. I had a great voice, and could release such emotion in just a few notes. So yeah, I'm thinking perhaps I sang (and later acted and modeled and wrote/write) because I wanted the attention. I wanted someone to listen.

And now? Does it matter if no one listens to what I have to say?

Still thinking about that. I'd like to say it absolutely doesn't matter if anyone listens to me. But I can't. It still matters. I'm still sensitive. I still get hurt so easily. And going back to my post yesterday, I guess I'm still needy that way.

But I recognize it and am working on it.

Thanks for listening!

p.s. I talked with my doc's office yesterday and was prescribed an antibiotic. Flu and sinus infection. Picked up the prescription yesterday along with lots of otc meds, special tea, citrus fruit, and softer tissues (thank goodness for Puffs Plus coz my nose couldn't handle much more). Made it to town, ran the errands, and back just as wind/hail storm were starting. Took care of the animals first, then came in, unpacked the stuff, and took my first dose of meds. Slept a WEE bit last night which is more than I have in a long time. I average 3-4 hours a night. Anyway, I'm hoping to feel better soon!


Twix said...

Powerful insight, makes a lot of sense. :)

Vee and the Kid said...

Thanks, Twix. It's funny that I titled this posting "Hear my Voice", and I awoke with laryngitis today. Ridiculous!


Pippa said...

Hope you're feeling better by now, Vee. (Interesting thing about laryngitis which you've already identified: when you feel the need to express yourself, but you are prevented or you can't, it will often manifest as laryngitis.)

You are busy with some POWERFUL inner work, and you can really be proud of the courage you're showing to deal with such painful emotions! Many folk would just shy away from facing these hurts.

Overeating could simply be a way for you to show yourself the comfort, connection and recognition you crave (and so clearly don't receive from your family). We know that food can become a 'friend' when nobody else is available. It certainly works for me like that, but I'm working on it, because it means I'm still abusing food when I do this.

Of course it matters what you have to say. It will ALWAYS matter!

I don't know if it will help, but what I'm learning is that it's OK that *I* think things I have to say, are important. It's OK that *I* delight in it, and that *I* recognize their worth. When someone else notices, that's a bonus, of course! For a long time I needed the affirmation of others to feel worthy - I just didn't think affirmation coming from me 'counted' because I didn't view myself as important enough to have a valid opinion about myself.

I'm not saying I'm there yet, but I'm getting there. Good luck from one who knows! You'll get there, and you are going to celebrate the strong, beautiful, wonderful woman you are!