Binge Craving Confession

Support Group Time: To binge or not to binge ... that is the question.

What's the answer?

I stopped the low-carb thing in an effort to get more fruit and some comfort food like soup into me. Hoping to get rid of this flu and sinus infection.

Instead, I'm eating everything. It seems like that, anyway. Even the goat food looks appetizing.

No, not really.

I guess my binge is mild compared to what I've read about but consider what I've eaten in the last 3 days:
-12 chocolate bars (milk and dark)
-5 giant marshmallows (threw the rest in the trash; not even tasty)
-14 bakery rolls with peanut butter, bananas and chocolate chips
-5 grapefruits
-subway meatball sub with provolone, mayo, lettuce and onion, light sauce
-baked lays (one small bag)
-orange juice
-2 mini chocolate cakes with chocolate frosting
-4 large gluten-free chocolate chip cookies (my Kid's)
-3 bowls of amaranth cereal with goat milk and berries
-1 bowl chicken soup with a few dashes of tobasco
-6 inch chicken parmesan sub
-2 cherry dr. pepper drinks
-lots of herbal tea

And tomorrow (um, today), I'm gonna make some cheeseburgers with avocado, swiss cheese, and then add some tomatoes from my indoor garden. A little mayo, ketchup, spicy brown mustard and lots of onions .... yum.

I WANT chocolate cake and brownies and snickers bars and ice cream. Geez, can't remember the last time I had ice cream. Not even for my kid's b-day a few weeks ago. And I want bacon/tomato sandwiches and a gallon of 2% cow's milk (ice cold) and sooo much more.

But ...

Okay, on paper (er, computer), what I've actually eaten doesn't look like that much. But considering that I still have a high fever (steady at 101), I probably should stick with the basics. But I don't wanna.

I'm even now, thinking about, considering, not re-starting my diet until after Thanksgiving. But I don't even like most Thanksgiving food (just my stuffing and pecan pie). I just want more time to eat a few of my favorites before I give them up. Again.

Ugh. Like I've talked about before: pecan pie will not disappear off the face of the earth. Therefore, why do I want it "one more time"?

Can't I make the pecan pie for my Kid and Hubby and not have any? Or have just a little? A tiny slice?

Physically ... can I?

But this delay ... the "I'll start on the Monday after Thanksgiving" type-of-thinking. I hate that thinking. Well, at least I know I'm thinking it instead of just thinking it and not thinking about thinking about it.

Clear as mud?

Can I start back on my calorie/carb counting plan today, make my burger and eat that while including that in my count? What about my favorite stuffing ... make it but count the calories and carbs? Or if I can't figure out the count, then just have a small portion anyway and freeze the rest IN SMALL PORTIONS for Hubby or later eating. Then cut out the gluten again? Can I plan for a little slice of pecan pie on Thursday or Friday or whenever I make it ... and just include it in my plan?

Is it really that hard?

Am I a whiney-butt?

Yuh huh.

I want to live my life and not feel deprived but my life will be shorter if I **don't** make these changes. Is this the quality of life I want? To eat whatever but be miserable while doing it?

How about this for another confession: eating all of this gluten is making me itch like crazy. I have dermatitis herpetiformis, a form of celiac's disease (gluten-intolerance). I get a rash all over, but especially my hands and arms, and it looks like I've poured lye all over me. Red and itchy and burnt. I'm miserable.

So why am I still eating?

I'm back up to 209.8 pounds. Still 10 pounds away from "100 pounds lost".

ARGH!

3 comments:

Cammy said...

*begin stern font*
I follow the theory that we can do what we believe we can do. If we see these foods as problems, we will make them problems. If we believe they are okay for acceptable indulgences, then we will find a way to have them in limited servings. It falls back to what we *truly* want for ourselves and for our bodies.
*end stern, begin comfort*

I believe you can and WILL find a middle ground for yourself. One that doesn't itch. :)

Kimberly said...

Stay on the diet before, during and after Thanksgiving. You don't want to put more weight on that you have to turn around and re-lose. That sucks, trust me.

Eat a more balanced diet with fruits and veggies (skipping the heavy carby stuff). Squashes are awesome replacement for all things white.

Have 1/2 piece of pecan pie and then take a long walk after you eat it.

Balance is what you need here.

You can do this.

fatgirlwearingthin said...

I found your blog through another link this evening and as soon as I saw your title I immediately knew I had to read the post. I relate to these kinds of things. I consider myself a food addict 'in recovery'. I used to eat until I was physically sick, and as soon as I felt any kind of relief, I'd eat again. I guess my first question is, are you eating because you cannot seem to feel full (I get that way every month - I swear, it's like I have a tapeworm or something!) or are you eating to relieve your mind of an outside stressor? Finding the source and examining it may help you understand what's happening and then you can respond accordingly. Good luck and know that you are not alone :)