All the basic food groups: starting at 12:00 and going clockwise: dried peas, cashews, dried blackberries, rice crackers, dried blueberries, roasted soy beans.
We usually add some baby carrots and raw baby spinach leaves too, but for some reason, they didn't get in this picture!
Of course, we've recently discovered he can't tolerate soy or cashews, but you get the picture. Right?
Just a typical gluten-free snack meal for my Kid when I don't feel like cooking!
I can't seem to stop craving peanut butter and chocolate chips! I expected to be losing weight again, but this daily snack is hindering my weight loss.
I seem to be losing my momentum. You can just at my numbers to see how much my weight loss has slowed down. I know I should verbally re-commit myself to my getting-healthy plan, but I feel like I can't. The words aren't there. It's stuck in my throat (fingers) and won't come out.
What got me through my last craving attack? I can't seem to remember. It's all fuzzy. Not that I have a good memory; side effect from insomnia, besides being tired, is a fuzzy memory. But honestly, as I lay here in bed at 4:44 in the morning, I can't remember how I handled my last craving attack. Was it the pizza or cheeseburgers? I didn't get them, that much I know. Did I exercise until thoughts of it left? No, I don't think so.
Reading back through my blog doesn't help. I try not to bore you with my intense cravings; I'm sure people wouldn't come back if I wrote every time I craved. And it is every day.
Just like cigarettes. I quit smoking when I got pregnant over 14 years ago. Had my Kid, and about 10 years later, started smoking again. It would take a month to go through a pack, but still, smoking is smoking. I gave it up again 4 years ago to get married. And still, I crave nearly every day. I get through these cravings by just not having any at all.
I can't do that with my food addiction. I have to eat or I'll die.
But I want to eat. I want the taste in my mouth. Is that it? That's what I've always said. I love the saltiness and tang of peanut butter, and the sweet melty of dark chocolate chips. But do I really need a whole tablespoon? If it was really the taste, wouldn't just a finger-swipe of pb do?
No, it has to be something more.
Am I so stressed out about the upcoming family obligations that I want to sabotage myself before they even happen? I know I'll be blasted for being fat. And I'm not happy with the clothes I have to wear. Then there's always the standby concern of finances.
I suppose it could all of these.
I've been trying to get pregnant but I took a test last week and it was negative. I'm pretty old (nearly) 50 so my lack of TOM could just be hormones. The other way. That in itself is a bummer and a stressor.
Never the skinny girl wrote today that people around her are waiting for her to fail. It gave me pause. Are the people around ME waiting for ME to fail? No, I don't think so. Not many people I know in real life know that I'm working to get healthy. A few do. Those I've told on the phone haven't seen me at my highest and don't have a clue how big I got, or still am.
No, it's not that.
Am I lazy? Damn right. I HATE to exercise. Always have.
Maybe I just need to get on the exercycle today. Just sit on there, pedal, and read. Relax. Not think about the peanut butter and choc chips in the pantry. Not think about the family thing. Not think about money problems. Or the piles of laundry. Or the million chores I have to do.
Just get back on path.
Because yes, I'm still motivated. Yes, intellectually I understand HOW to lose weight and get healthy. Yes, we have healthy food here, and I have lots cooked and in the freezer. Yes, I'm drinking LOTS of ice water and iced-tea. And eating my 4-alarm low-carb chili to rev up my metabolism. And I'm exercising (but probably not as much as I could be). And yes, I'm increasing my fiber intake by adding a few more veggies to my day. Trying to, anyway.
But ... every afternoon, the peanut butter and chocolate chips call to me.
I seem to be falling back into old patterns:
What I want, I eat. Whenever I want it.
Must be stress.
Sorry I rambled for so long but I really am stressing about this. I think I'm gonna exercycle later this morning. Any other thoughts?
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