I've always loved chocolate. Can't remember when I didn't. Snuck a Three Muskateers or Snickers when I was a kid and had "disposable" income. Favorite part of Halloween was the chocolate loot. I eagerly awaited Easter not for the religious connotations but for the goodies that the Bunny left for me.
When I got my own apartment at 17, I went hog-wild buying Coca-Colas, candy, chips and dip, and pizza. Candy always had a prominent place in my fridge (cheap walk-up + $175/mo rent = roaches). Through the years, chocolate-flavored diet bars made their way into my stash. M&Ms in my purse (peanut, for protein). Assorted bags of snack-size goodies for Halloween, giving away those that I didn't love as much as chocolate.
Then once I heard that women with PMS craved chocolate, with good reason, I went with that. Not actually a PMS sufferer, I still loaded up on chocolate once a month, reasoning that I needed to snarf that black-brown sweet goodness to help with my irritability. Not realizing I was just about always irritable.
In Texas, I discovered a quick way to make a chocolate cake in the microwave, involving cocoa powder, whole sticks of butter, a few eggs and a little flour. I'd eat it in one sitting, straight from the bowl, and a day or two later, make another. That went on for an entire Summer, resulting from a beautiful hard-toned body that I'd only the previous year worked so hard on, to a big blob 55 pounds or so heavier. I even went back to brunnette from bleached blond that went so well with my firm bod.
Years later, a single mom to a newborn, I discovered a rash covering my body. Turned out to be dermatitis herpetiformis, a form of celiac disease (gluten-intolerance) so I had to find a quick CHEAP substitute for chocolate cake from a box (my go-to snack at that time). I found cheap bags of chocolate chips available almost everywhere, a lot cheaper than chocolate bars. Mixed with a spoonful of peanut butter, and I could imagine I was eating a reese's peanut butter cup.
Here I am, 13 years later, and I'm a big girl. Down 74 pounds with another 46 pounds to go, and I still crave chocolate when I have a little TOM situation. Not even 5 p.m., and I've eaten 2 tbsp of dark chocolate chips, and I'm almost out of calories and carbs for the day. I want another 1-2 tbsp of choc chips and probably some peanut butter too.
I ate ok today, getting some protein, fruit and in a few minutes, veggies and a little more protein. But still, the pull of the chocolate feels nearly irrisistible. Calling my name. Images of melty yum within reach.
You know something? My whole plan is to get healthy in a way that I won't feel denied and still be happy about my choices. Agonizing over this is ridiculous. I still need to eat dinner: 3 slices of bacon, and from my garden 5 yellow pear tomatoes, 1 yellow squash and 1 mini red bell pepper. After that and after I'm done milking the goat and taking care of that, I'm gonna settle into bed with a good book, some iced raspberry tea, and have another tbsp of dark chocolate chips and 1 tbsp of peanut butter.
And savor every bit of it.
Hmmmm.... delicious decision!
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